Life after treatment?

I’ve been feeling extra anxious lately, just thinking about the possibility of recurrence and what my future holds. I have one more round chemo. It’s an odd feeling. For the past nine months or so, my life has been consumed by cancer. My initial diagnosis, getting ready for surgery, recovering from surgery, going through chemo. At each step there were things to figure out, tasks to accomplish, or planning that needed to be done. All of this doing is about to come to a screeching halt. I’ve been climbing this mountain and suddenly I am alone peering over a cliff into the unknown.

I know I have some time left to go, but somehow it doesn’t feel like it’s over. Is this my body telling me that the cancer is going to come back? Is it my brain not knowing quite how to adjust to such a rollercoaster of a year? I would like to think it is the latter, and it probably is, that would make complete sense. But I guess my point is that this may just be how I feel for a while. Recurrence is most likely in the first two years after treatment. Maybe after that point I will be able to breathe a little easier?

I don’t think there are really any answers to these questions. I am someone who likes predictability, routine, planning. Yes, I like to be in control. Cancer has taught me that I am not in control. I am trying to learn this lesson, and in some spiritual ways I think I have adjusted my mindset. But I still am functioning in a world that expects you to go, go, go to survive. I have my kids and myself to take care of and I’ve always taken comfort in my ability to plan and set up my life so that everything works out okay. This has been a huge wake up call to the fact that I am not in control of anything. It’s both freeing and terrifying. I think the only thing to do is to live for today, to create as much joy in this life as we can, because tomorrow is not guaranteed, to me or to anyone.